Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ice isn't for driving on

It's bad enough to skate on ice. I know firsthand how easy it is for one's feet to fly out from beneath one's butt, thus allowing one's butt to make violent contact with the ice, which, by the way, is harder than rock. But to drive an 18-wheeler across a few scant inches of ice just so we can have oil and diamonds? No. Just no. Maybe, like Mama putting the good cookies on top of the refrigerator, God put that stuff up there so we couldn't get to it.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Self assessment

I could not be the idiotic, ugly, brainless, stinking, imbecilic, foul, heartless, obtuse, short-sighted, moronic bastard who decides to fire a smart, loyal, hard-working company employee of 27 years. I don't have it in me. I'm not a scum-sucking moron.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

UPDATE: I'm not the only one

I'm happy to see there are many others who do not want to be eaten by sharks. They have created a fan group for Not Being Eaten By Sharks on Facebook. Nice.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Instant coffee

[Note: I tried to find a photo of instant coffee online, but it's so wretched and unloved that even Getty doesn't keep pictures of it around. I could buy some Nescafé and take a picture of it, but then I would have spent money on something that I'm about to say I wouldn't use for a million dollars, and that would be kinda, y'know, counterproductive. So I apologize for the lack of graphic, but I think you know what I mean even without a picture.]

I wouldn't drink instant coffee for a million dollars.

I order my beans custom roasted from -- I get five pounds of Kenya AA and one pound of Sumatra Mandheling once every six weeks.

I grind up the beans just before I brew the coffee. (My husband's coffee is sometimes ground up five hours before it's brewed, but that can't be helped. The man works swing shift. I do the best I can, y'know?)

I'll buy coffee beverages from Starbucks, but I won't buy my beans from them. That's how picky I am.

So instant coffee? No. Never. It's barbaric. You can use it in recipes for mocha frosting for cakes, but don't expect it to be suitable for drinking.

Some indignities just cannot be borne.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

V is not for Victory

At least not in this case.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Ow, I say, ow, again!

Boxing. I don't get it. I don't get it as an activity or a spectacle. It's just barbaric, right?


That just looks uncomfortable to me. I'll keep hitting the elliptical, but I don't think there's any danger that I'll ever get carried away.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


I have pierced ears. In fact, I have double-pierced ears. But this ear stretching thing is just weird and icky. Ew. And it seems like a great way to rip your ear off if something should get caught in it. Again, ew.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Not if I had a million dollars

Aw, hell no! Not if I had the million. Not if he had the million. The idea of going to a matchmaker...on TV, no less! I think not. No.

Unless I was really, really desperate. And maybe if I were really, really starved for attention.

Jane Seymour -- with a vengeance

Someone I know accused me of being flippant on this blog. He said that if someone offered me One Million Dollars (US) to wear some Jane Seymour jewelry, I would do it.

I have therefore put some time and thought into this proposition.

And I reiterate my original stance. I would not wear Jane Seymour jewelry for a million dollars. I would not do it in a box. I would not do it with a fox. I do not like ugly jewelry, Sam I Am. I do not like it; I said it again.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I know I'm wrong. I know.

When you grow up in the South and you tell people "I don't like biscuits," they'll invariably come back with "Well, that's because you've never had [insert favorite biscuit producer here]'s biscuits!" I've had people's mothers' biscuits. I've had Hardee's biscuits. I've had fancy cheese biscuits from fancy, cheesy restaurants. I've kept trying biscuits, really I have.

I just don't like biscuits.

I await your judgment.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Out where the buses don't run

Oh, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley. When I went to find a picture of you for this post I happened to stop by your web site. If I hadn't already known you were a nut job, the Swirl to God earrings and Spirit Steering pendant would have convinced me.

This lady crazy.

Friday, May 1, 2009

John Mayer

Not for a million. Not for many millions. Not in this lifetime. No. Just -- no.

This is not literature

C'mon. I don't really have to say anything about this, do I?

I do?

OK, then. Lowest common denominator. There. I said it.